by Cale Clinton
THIS MONTH IN THE NFL’S FAVORITE OFFSEASON HOBBY: REACTING TO MADDEN RATINGS
“I will not be playing Madden, period. My overall is an 89. F’sho. My Short Route-Running is a 91. Sips tea. My Medium Route-Running is an 88. What? My Deep Route-Running is a 75, like bro who’s making this s**t, dawg?
— Los Angeles Chargers wide receiver Keenan Allen had to pull over to the side of the road and film a video in his car to express the criminal injustice served via his route-running grades in the latest edition of football’s favorite video game. (Keenan Allen via Twitter)
“Ain’t no way Deshaun Watson a 82. No wonder kids are playing Fortnite now.”
— Kansas City Chiefs safety Tyrann Mathieu goes to bat in defense of his former teammate, Houston Texans quarterback Deshaun Watson. (Tyrann Mathieu via Twitter)
“Tom Brady can’t run 2 yards how the hell is he a 96? If those ratings were based on the entire Super Bowl winning team, sure. As an individual, he’s not a 96.”
“I 100% could run faster and further than Tom. So could 50% of high schoolers, 80% of college players, and 99% of pros. Learn how to unbiasedly access the totality of a player, then adjust these numbers and I could possibly take you seriously.”
— A fan by the name of Matt got #madonline and took to Twitter when Yahoo Sports revealed the list of top Madden rankings, highlighting New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s rank of 96 overall.
“I’m so much faster than you Matt.”
— Brady’s as quick to a comeback as he is on the field. (Yahoo!)
“I want to get adjusted on ‘Looks’ rating. I look like I’m on The Walking Dead.”
— Arizona Cardinals head coach Kliff Kingsbury doesn’t have stats to be concerned about, he just wants to look good on the sidelines. (Darren Urban, Arizona Cardinals via Twitter)
“Brees don’t play video games 99 in real life!”
— New Orleans Saints wide receiver Michael Thomas comes to the aid of the slighted New Orleans quarterback Drew Brees, rated a 92 overall. That puts Brees as tied for fifth-best quarterback in the game with Andrew Luck (Michael Thomas via Twitter)
I recently found out that I’m only a 81 rating on [Madden 20]. I don’t play the game but I do feel extremely disrespected. I will not forget this.
— Tennessee Titans left tackle Taylor Lewan doesn’t play the game, but he’ll use anything for motivation. (Taylor Lewan via Twitter)
“Oh my god. I love ’em, I’m going to go buy the game now.”
— Arizona Cardinals guard Justin Pugh was over the moon to hear he had been rated a 73 overall in Madden 20. Moments prior, he had rated himself a 72 overall. (The Lefkoe Show via YouTube)
COULDN’T YOU SETTLE FOR YOUR PINKIE TOE OR SOMETHING?
Taylor Lewan: “Matt Neely (an assistant for the show) said he would cut off his dick for a, uno, Super Bowl, and I said no I would not do that. Would you cut your dick off for a super bowl?”
Mike Vrabel: “Been married 20 years. Yeah, probably.”
Lewan: “You’ve got three?!”
Vrabel: “As a player … You guys will be married for 20 years one day. You won’t need it.”
Lewan: “If you come home with a bag of ice, and [your wife] is like ‘Oh honey what did you do.’ ‘I cut … my dick off, we’re gonna win a Super Bowl,’ she’d be like ‘eh,’ or would she be upset?”
Vrabel: “She’d be like do you want me to do it? Do you want to do it now?”
— Tennessee Titans head coach and father of three Mike Vrabel is looking to get a lot lighter downstairs if it means his ring hand can get a little heavier. (Bussin’ With the Boys Podcast)
“I knew the bull wouldn’t hit him. … Josh avoids contact. Just kidding, Josh.”
— Washington Redskins head coach Jay Gruden knew cornerback Josh Norman would avoid any gruesome injury when running with the bulls in Pamplona, based on the way he tackles. (John Keim, ESPN via Twitter)
“I gave Pete [Carroll] the middle finger ’cause I feel like he wasn’t being honest with me. … I was basically talking s**t to Pete ’cause I knew what happened. … I don’t regret my decision. … I don’t regret doing it to Pete.”
— Baltimore Ravens safety Earl Thomas expressed no remorse for the bird he flipped Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll as he was carted off the field with a season-ending leg fracture last year. This was Thomas’ last moment in a Seahawks uniform. (ESPN)
THE BUNGLES CAN’T EVEN PRACTICE RIGHT
“It’s somewhere we shouldn’t have been. There were rocks, pebbles out there. I was falling over.”
— Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Tyler Boyd ripped the team’s temporary practice facility after fellow wide out A.J. Green left camp with an ankle injury. The Bengals agreed to practice at Welcome Stadium in Dayton, Ohio, as an arrangement made with the league for NFL 100. The stadium is near Triangle Park, where the first-ever NFL game took place. (Jay Morrison, The Athletic via Twitter)
NO, STOP, PLEASE DON’T
“This Nate Peterman is growing on me.”
— Oakland Raiders head coach Jon Gruden may do the unthinkable and bring journeyman quarterback Nathan Peterman back into the national conscious. Gruden’s full quote addresses Peterman’s “nightmare performances,” claiming that “it’s not all his fault,” but he’s going to have to do a lot of convincing to change Peterman’s narrative. (Michael Gehlken, Las Vegas Review-Journal via Twitter)
SPEAK YOUR MIND
“The Eagles now have the best receiving corps and offensive line. But do they have a quarterback? Next on Undisputed”
— FS1 talking head and host of Undisputed Skip Bayless continues to stir the pot on Twitter, this time questioning whether or not the Eagles have a viable option at quarterback in Carson Wentz.
“When I retire I hope that I can go on TV and say whatever and people still pay me”
— Carolina Panthers wide receiver Torrey Smith is already hinting at retiring and entering the media force. Has he already given up on this season? Next on Undisputed.
ALWAYS READY TO TAKE ON A BULL RUSH
“We can be anywhere and he’ll be pass-setting, On his off day [Monday], we went to a store to buy some patio furniture quick, and while I was working on the paperwork, he was pass-setting. And I think it helps him relax, to be honest. He does it everywhere. He did it in the photography studio when we were having our newborn photos done. We were on vacation in a winery [north of Napa Valley], in a wine tunnel, and he’s pass-setting. It’s just Kevin, but sometimes I have to realize that other people don’t know him, so they’ll kind of look at him like, ‘What are you doing?’ And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, just working on some footwork.'”
— Sara Zeitler, wife of New York Giants guard Kevin Zeitler, describes what it’s like to live with someone constantly working on their craft. Zeitler’s goal is to be the best offensive lineman he can be; he is a fierce competitor and has an incomparable work ethic. That work ethic sometimes leads to working on pass protection steps while drinking wine in Napa Valley. (NorthJersey.com)
SOMEONE’S REALLY BORED THIS OFFSEASON
“Which part of the pig’s skin is actually a football?”
“At which point does it change from going up the street to down the street?”
“Why do we use toothbrushes more than once, if they dirty after first use?”
“What shape is the sky?”
“So ummm…what’s on the other side of a black hole?”
“If the sun is hot why is it cold in outer space?”
— Indianapolis Colts quarterback Jacoby Brissett has turned his Twitter page into a sea of life’s greatest mysteries and unanswered questions. Unrelated: is weed legal in Indiana yet? (Jacoby Brissett via Twitter)
JULY QUOTES PREDICTING DECEMBER STATLINES
“Yeah. Or until I can pass Jerry [Rice]. That’s the goal: 23,000 yards.”
— Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. would be happy to play ten more years. His real goals, however, focuses on a name and not a date. (B/R Gridiron via Twitter)
“I’m going crazy. I’ve been doing everything that I need to do. I’m taking care of my body. Physically and mentally, I’ll be ready to go. … I’m not a prediction-type guy, but I might mess around and go three (thousand), you know what I’m talking about.”
— Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones doesn’t just want to go down as one of the greats, he wants to be the first player to gain 3,000 yards receiving in a single season. The current record is 1,964, set by Calvin Johnson in 2012. The author of this piece, D. Orlando Ledbetter, noted that Julio made this comment with a completely straight face. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)
THIS MONTH IN SOCIAL MEDIA
YOU KNOW THAT’S PERMANENT, RIGHT?
— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) July 9, 2019
— Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes made an appearance on Kimmel, where he was introduced to a Chiefs fan with a full Mahomes “Champ Stamp” across his lower back.
ERTZ LETS HUSBAND IN ON CELEBRATION
— Zach Ertz (@ZERTZ_86) July 7, 2019
— U.S. Women’s National Team midfielder Julie Ertz celebrates with her husband after clinching gold in the 2019 Women’s World Cup
Just flipped on Dodgeball (exciting Friday night I know) and came across this disturbing realization…
The ref clearly stated before sudden death that in accordance with ADAA rules, both feet must remain inside the triangle… pic.twitter.com/c7h1O0XZLf
— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) July 20, 2019
— Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt does what only J.J. Watt could do on Twitter: he ruined the ending to the film Dodgeball by citing a rules violation by the underdog Average Joes team. What a jerk.
JAZZERCIZE YOUR WAY TO A 20-SACK SEASON!
— Denver Broncos linebacker Von Miller finds the least intimidating way to hype up a very intimidating defense.
PLEASE DON’T LOCK YOUR BEST PLAYER OUT, JETS
— Jamal Adams (@TheAdamsEra) August 6, 2018
— New York Jets safety Jamal Adams can cover the field sideline-to-sideline, but he can’t figure out an entrance combination.